#0018 Clearly Muddled; Or, How flipping the coin relates to…

Taking the sting out of rejection, Part Six

I’m not the only one writing about the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). Turns out Beth Kurland, PhD, a clinical psychologist, public speaker, and author of four books, recently shared some of her expertise in an article titled “How to Prepare Your Nervous System for New Goals” for Greater Good Science Center’s online magazine. (Don’t worry, I read the article so you don’t have to, unless you want, of course, especially once you get to the muddle in the middle…) 

After explaining that the ANS constantly watches for threat and safety cues — this subconscious monitoring is called neuroception — the author gives examples of fight, flight, and freeze reactions to perceived, aka “neurocepted,” threats or dangers. For a refresher of this SNS side of the coin, check out #0017. 

Two sides of the coin: the SNS reacts to threats and the PNS reacts to safety (Source: Richard Atkinson on Flickr)

Then Kurland introduces the social-engagement system, which switches on when the ANS perceives cues of safety. Though she never mentions Sympathetic or Parasympathetic Nervous Systems (SNS/PNS), I think Kirkland’s alluding to the rest and digest side of the coin. Maybe? Except the social-engagement system is broader: 

a nervous system grounded in cues of safety allowed our ancestors to feel safe enough to explore, invent, connect and engage in prosocial behavior with one another. 

There are critics of the concept of elevating social engagement as ablelist to neurodiverse folks. 

Hold up. Though some of this discussion is clearly muddled (ha ha), probably due to overlaps of psychological and neuroscientific research with differing terms depending on the field, a confession: I keep wanting more than two PNS reactions (rest and digest) to balance with the three SNS reactions (fight, flight, freeze). I’m no neuroscientist or psychologist, so I’m just going to smush some of the social-engagement system concepts into the PNS reactions, K? Okay.

Though the GGSC article is subtitled and formatted to appear that Kurland has three suggestions, she actually makes seven:

1. Reframe for a yes

2. Be specific

3. Develop alternatives

4. Shift your mindset

5. Cultivate self-compassion

6. Plan for discomfort

7. Create strategies

Her first recommendation — reframe for a yes — is a great way to flip the coin from one of the SNS reactions to the PNS reaction of Rest.

Imagine you submitted an application five months ago for a fully funded one-month residency in the middle of winter on a tropical island. Every single day in the last 152 days or so (not that you’ve been marking the calendar), you’ve been dreaming of all you might accomplish on your work in progress if only that tropical sun would light your way. But, alas, today your email delivers the dreaded rejection.

Your heart starts racing, booming in your ears, and you are angry. Perhaps you feel ashamed for even thinking you had a chance. Or you want to hide under the covers, heartbroken. 

These SNS reactions are typical, dare I say human? But they don’t last long. According to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor:

When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens; any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.

In less than the time it takes to brush your teeth, your body processes the anger or shame or whatever emotion (aka SNS reaction) of the residency rejection. If you don’t want to ruminate on that rejection, you need to reframe it. Here’s how.

As I’ve written previously (check out the About page in case you forgot!), you need to reframe rejection by embracing it:

• Because rejection is not a referendum on your work.

• Because rejection simply means redirection.

• Because rejection shows you’re trying.

When we embrace rejection, our breathing deepens, our pupils constrict, our heart rate slows down, all signs that the PNS side of the coin is in control, meaning we get the signals to Rest.

By reframing, we put ourselves in a much better headspace and place.

(See? I didn’t fib when I said you already knew how to allow the PNS twin to take charge.)

Next time: Taking the sting out of rejection, Part Seven